On the Line/Off the Wall

Today I will do it. I will face the impending whatever.

I will call my mother and have an actual conversation. My full attention will be given to her. And I will not zone out. No “uh-huhs” or “yeahs” or “rights”.

First, though, I do believe I need something to drink. Oh-kay. Let’s see. Diet coke, water, diet coke, beer, whiskey or water.

Whiskey AND diet. So smart. Way too smart

“Hello?”
“Mommy. It’s me.”
“Hey, honey.”
“Hey.”
Woo. This is a strong drink. I will have to take this one slow. I’m hungry.
“I’m mad at you.”
“Mad at me? Why?”
“When was the last time you called?”
“I’ve been busy. I have. I know I know I know. Sorry.”
“You little shit.”
“So…how have you been?”
Maybe I could make some tater tots. With mayonnaise-
“Oh…you know. I’ve been…”
-I wonder what my cholesterol is?
“Workin’. Mostly. Granny is drivin’ me up the wall.”
“Uh-huh.”
Oooh…Cold Mountain comes on at nine tonight. Set a reminder. Jude. Jude. Jude. Jude.
“I told you about your uncle didn’t I?”
Jude Law. You ain’t never gonna take cold mountain!!!
“No…what about him?”
Yes. He did cheat on his fiancé with his nanny, but I could set him straight. Heh heh.
“Well he’s going back to prison.”
Heh heh…I said straight. Er-whu?
“Back to prison?”
“Yeah. The house he was staying at got raided and they found the lab.”
“Back to prison?”
“Yeah.”
“Wait…what lab.”
“The meth lab.”
“Oh.”
“So he probably won’t be out in time for Christmas and Granny is just up the wall.”
“Right-”

Spread tots in a thin layer over baking sheet. Check. Preheat oven. Place tray-
“Wait…METH LAB?”
“Yeah. I told you that. Didn’t I?”
“Nooooooooooooooooo…you did not tell me anything about a meth lab. A meth lab? As in methamphetamines? How could you think- Wait a second…back up two clicks. Tck. Tck. Back to prison?”
“Yes honey. He’s going back.”
“WHEN WAS HE THERE THE FIRST TIME?”
Ow…shit…that oven is hot. Goddamn tater tots. Goddamn meth labs.
“You remember, I told you, that drunken disorderly charge. When he hit that minor.”
“…”
“You remember.”
“…”
“I told you.”
“…”
“I did.”
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight…
“Nooooooo. You didn’t!”
“I didn’t?”
Nine, ten, eleven….twelve…it’s not working…thirteen.
“No. You didn’t.”
“Huh. Well. I thought I did. I must have told Ben.”
“This is Ben.”
“I meant Levi. I meant Levi.
“Right, and how is Levi?”
Where the hell did my drink go? Oh my god. Oh my god. I drank the whole thing. This is how the problem starts. I have no choice. I have to make another one.
“Oh you know. He’s Levi. Same as always. I told you about him living in the cow field didn’t I?”
Ooops. A little too much whiskey there. I’ll just add more coke later. Dilute-
“Mother?”
“MM-hmm?”
“A cow field.”
“Yup.”
“Come again.”
“He’s livin’ in a cow field. I don’t know what he’ll do in the winter. Maybe he’ll move into the cabin with Mike and me.”
Damn that is some strong shit.
“Oh right.”
“Yup.”
“Were you going to tell me that you and Mike were living together?”
“Of course.”
“In a cabin?”
“I thought you knew?”

“I just talked to Levi yesterday on his cell phone. How does he keep it charged if he’s living in a cow field?”
“Your brother has his ways.”
“And why is he living in a cow field?”
“He feels that his apartment was too confining.”
“Mother.”
“And he was behind on his rent. But it’s not his fault. He needed all that clay.”
“I don’t even want to know.”
Okay. Inventory. My drink is too strong, tater tots are in the oven, my mother has moved in with Mike, Levi lives in a field, My Uncle is in prison and I am going crazy. I suppose now would be the wrong time to tell my mother I will not be going home for Thanksgiving this year.
“Anyway we should have electricity in the cabin this weekend. Just in time.”
“You don’t have electricity in the cabin?”
“Not yet. We’ll be getting plumbing soon.”
“Mother…what will I do when I come home for Christmas?”
“Well I figure we can use Thanksgiving as a test run.”
Danger. Danger. Danger Fag Robinson.
“Er…um…right. Test run.”
“Unless you want to come home sooner.”
“NO!”
No. No. No. No.
“I mean…no I can’t. Too many things to do.”
“Oh well. Thought I would try. Yup. But the lights will be on in the cabin this weekend. Just in time.”
“Oh god, that’s right. The wedding is this weekend isn’t it?”
“Yup.”
“You ready?”
“We’ll see. We have an extra seat, now that your cousin is back in jail.”
Best to leave this one alone.
“Mom, I’m too busy. I have three shows this weekend. Maybe if you had given me more than a weeks notice.”
“Now or never honey. Now or never.”
Ooh. The tots are done. Where did my drink go? Oh well, I will just make another one.
“Uh-huh.”
Ow. Hot tot. Hot tot. Hot tot. Heh. That rhymed.
“So what’s new with you?”
“Right. Uh-huh.”
Mustard? Ketchup? Mayonnaise!
“Ben, are you listening?”
“Of course not mother. Nothing is new with me. Same as always.”
“Well make something up.”
Something tells me no matter what it is…it won’t even compare. It will never compare.